Oh, & Did I Mention I Ramble?

I have my days where I can handle being thrown into a new situation with new people I've never met and not be secretly freaking out and coming off and extremely awkward. Those are definitely the good days, and thankfully they're coming closer together. But when you catch me on that socially awkward day, it's painful to watch. It's not that "cute" awkward that has recently become attractive... oh no, it's the freakishly quiet kind of awkward that just makes people either become embarrassed for you or become terrified you're about to go postal. And it really sucks because afterwards, I over think the awkward situation and come up with all the funny, witty, intelligent things I could have said instead of just smiling and looking away. I think of all those things that I really thought but couldn't bring to the surface under all the anxiety of being caught in the moment. And so then, (like it even matters at this point what I would've said) I find my laptop or a piece of paper and write it all down. I'm a completely different person in writing that I am in person. The people in my life wonder why I'd rather text than talk, or write a letter than place a phone call. It's because on paper I can get it all out without hesitation, while in person I stumble on my words, get nervous, say all the wrong things, and end up shutting down. I know I need to work on it, and I am, but the thing is that half the time I don't even know what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling till I write it down. My mind is basically the equivalent of a small town with missing street signs, dirt roads, and unmarked buildings. I can barely make heads or tails of a situation when it's stuck in my head. But when I get it all down on paper, it's like I've written the road map. Sometimes it sounds absolutely ridiculous and makes absolutely no sense, but I won't realize that till I can read what I'm thinking. So, moral of the story: I'm quiet and shy on some days, but that doesn't mean I'm crazy. Under the anxiety of the moment I've got a lot to say, and I'm working on getting that out. But in the mean time, don't get upset when I don't respond the way you want to a conversation... chances are 5 minutes after I walk away, you'll get a long text message explaining everything. Read it. That's what's really going on.